I have a few issues I need to address with you. You have been upsetting me over a few things for quite some time, so I feel it only appropriate for me to explain my beef. You’ve been in my life for longer than I’d like to say, and since I’m obligated to keep you around for another 30 years, I need you to work on these few things:
1.) Why does your wrapper have to be so damn loud? Seriously, I’ve tried a few different members of your cottony family, and you all make that same, distinguishable plastic sound that signifies to all the men around my cubical that I did in fact just pull you from the inner zipper of my Coach bag. Now they all know why I’m heading down the hall, and for the next few moments will act extremely awkward in passing. While it’s always funny to make them uncomfortable, and while your scratchy announcement may help them understand why I’ve been grumpy the last few days, there isn’t a fiber in my being that wants the men’s locker room to know that I’m menstruating. If you would be so kind, please cover yourself with something a little softer. Any softer material would be better, because right now, you might as well be one of those new Sun Chip bags.
2.) Is it really necessary to have so many commercials? Do you really think we’ve forgotten about you? Hellooo, we’re reminded of your existence every single month. Forgetting about you could be a hazard. Please stop reminding me of the impending doom of cramps, headaches, mood swings and cravings while I’m trying to enjoy my dinner. It is not fun. On that note, your product doesn’t assist in making me happy in any way, so if you must continue with these misplaced ads, could you please stop showing overly-spunky women in white bathing suits prancing through their day? That is the last thing I feel like doing when you’re around.
3.) Why are you SO expensive? Your user market is getting larger and more needy every day as our population grows. Our incessant need for you is here to stay. Do you think you could show your appreciation for our business by giving us a price break? You are cotton and string for God’s sake. Why are you more expensive than a Little Caesar’s Hot N Ready pizza?? Women everywhere would appreciate it if you changed this. Maybe if you ran fewer commercials, you wouldn’t need to charge so much. Just sayin’.
It’s time for you to get out of denial. You are not our fluffy friend who makes us smile and who we want to spend our hard-earned money on. You are a necessary evil. Thank you for listening. I feel better for getting this off my chest. See you next month.
-PMSing Women Everywhere